Sometimes you have to make some noise
A slightly different post today, not really about personal finance or investing. Never fear, we’ll be back to our regular programming next week 🙂
I read this post on Debito’s blog last week, and it really upset me. I could vividly imagine the feelings of the parents, and how unpleasant the whole experience must have been. In many ways, seeing something bad happen to someone you love can be more painful than going through the same experience yourself.
I was also reminded of four things that happened with my stepdaughters when they were in school and felt that perhaps they might be useful for others.
Violence at school (before my time)
The first thing happened before I married my wife, so I heard about it afterwards and was not directly involved. It seems to fit pretty well with my impression of how things can end up being handled in Japanese schools though so perhaps a good place to start.
When my stepdaughter was in the first grade, two older girls (2nd or 3rd grade) demanded money from her, then beat her up when she refused. She ended up with visible injuries so the school advised my (now) wife to file a report with the police.
My wife was not notified what happened to the girls afterwards, either from the school or the police, but there were no further incidents.
I think this situation was handled more or less appropriately.
Lazy teacher
This was a relatively minor issue, but I was pleased to get it resolved smoothly.
When another stepdaughter was in high school, she noticed that she had been docked a few points on a test incorrectly. When she brought it up with her teacher, he basically told her that he couldn’t be bothered to change her score, even though it would be on her record. She was pretty upset.
I asked to speak to the principal to discuss this, and he turned out to be someone I had worked with when I was at the board of education! We had a nice chat, he agreed the teacher hadn’t behaved properly, my daughter’s grade was changed, and all was well with the world.
Serious bullying incident
This was very stressful, and I was forced to get fairly confrontational with the school.
My third stepdaughter attended one of the best public junior high schools in the city (because we happened to live in the catchment area). When she was in the third year, some boys in her year stole her tracksuit, cut it up with scissors, and threw it away.
I found this worrying because of the symbolic violence involved, as well as the bullying aspect.
We let the school deal with this, but were firm that it was to be the last incident and we would react badly if anything else happened. The tracksuit was replaced.
A couple of weeks later the same boys stole my daughter’s purse, spent all her money and threw it away. The purse had been a gift from my grandmother and had sentimental value.
The school again wanted to deal with it internally. My wife and I refused, and filed a police report, which really annoyed the school. It was entrance test season, and they didn’t want the boys’ test scores to be affected.
The homeroom teacher also gave our address to the families of the boys so that they could ‘apologise’ (they didn’t apologise). This was just after the personal information laws came in, so it seemed both in bad taste and against the law to give our home address to the perpetrators.
I ended up having a shouting match with the principal over this, and what I saw as his desire to protect the school’s reputation and test results over protecting the victim of bullying and crime. The school also declined to give me the boys’ home addresses, or the teachers’ 😉
We ended up having a meeting with the other families at the school. One set of parents apologised, but the other two would barely look at us and certainly didn’t seem particularly remorseful.
In the end we agreed to drop the charges if they paid compensation (about 150,000 yen I think) and promised not to pick on our daughter any more. I shook hands with the boys and told them I would ruin their lives if anything else happened.
It didn’t.
Anonymous accusation
This happened just before our youngest daughter finished high school, so was the last incident I had to deal with.
We ended up sending her to a private high school because we believed the school would take better care of her. She wasn’t particularly academic at the time and wasn’t very socially outgoing.
Sadly the school did not really excel in their pastoral care and our daughter ended up picked on by some of her classmates.
Just before she was due to graduate, our daughter’s homeroom teacher called my wife and told her they had received an anonymous email accusing our daughter of several things, and she’d like my wife to just come in and confirm that the accusations weren’t true.
My wife was very unimpressed with this, and said we would both be there shortly to discuss it.
By the time we arrived the principal and vice-principal were involved. I thanked them for their time and said before discussing the content of the accusations, we’d like to talk to the person that made them. I also said I didn’t think it was very appropriate for the school to take action based on something like this.
The principal said he agreed, and also said they would not be able to reveal the identity of the accuser. He apologised for upsetting us and wasting our time. That was the last we heard of that, although we later learned one of our daughter’s classmates had sent the email.
Lessons?
I’d just like to emphasise that I don’t think we were monster parents. Those three incidents were literally the only times I had reason to complain to a school for the entire time our three daughters attended.
I believe the most important thing is to be aware of what is going on at school, and to not assume that the school is going to handle things the way you expect or want them to.
Being very involved with the school by being active in the PTA, etc. can also be a good way to head off problems. My wife and I were both working, so this wasn’t really an option for us.
I am older now, my Japanese is better, and I probably have more gravitas than I did during these incidents. Here is what I would do if my granddaughter had a problem at school:
- First I would go and talk to the homeroom teacher. This would not be confrontational at all, basically just saying ‘this is what I heard, are you aware of it and what can we do to make it better’.
- If the homeroom teacher was unsupportive or if the problem did not improve I would then go and talk to the head of year.
- Next would be the vice principal and maybe the principal. Of course I would take notes and possibly record all of these meetings.
- If the principal was not supportive I would then go and talk to the board of education, and hire a lawyer if appropriate. Having a lawyer is the difference between a tired educational consultant half-heartedly listening to you, and the entire BOE staying up all night trying to figure out how to make your problem go away.
At each stage it is important to reinforce that you want to work with the school to make things better for everyone. It is also important to go through these steps fairly quickly. It’s generally pretty easy to tell if someone is on your side and working towards a solution (or not).
I hope none of you have children that have to deal with serious problems at school, but if you do I hope this post will give you some ideas on how to deal with them.
How about you? Any good or bad experiences with schools here in Japan?
Thank you for posting this. These kind of things are (even) more important than money.
“In the end we agreed to drop the charges if they paid compensation (about 150,000 yen I think) and promised not to pick on our daughter any more. I shook hands with the boys and told them I would ruin their lives if anything else happened.
It didn’t.”
This was beautifully written, and if I ever had the chance would be a reason I would be very happy to buy you a beer. Glad things worked out well for your family.
Thank you. That is extremely kind of you.
Fortunately kids are resilient and they all seem to be doing okay now.
Thank you for your very balanced and well-written post. I’m sorry your daughters had to experience these things, but you and your wife handled each incident perfectly. We sent three kids through the Japanese system until the end of JHS. While we didn’t personally have any such unpleasant incidents as you described, some of my friends (Japanese and foreign) have experience of bullying directed at their child or a classmate. Sadly, it seems school teachers and admin. still often have no real clue of how to resolve things, and it is frequently the victim who shoulders the brunt of the stress and shame. Sometimes it is the parent who must take control. Parents MATTER! Thank you for sharing this.
I am the person you reference in Debitos blog.
Thank you for linking to my article and posting your experience.
I want to add we did all of he things you recommend doing including hiring a lawyer. All to no avail. That is why we are at the point we are.
Your daughter’s story broke my heart. I hope she finds peace soon. I know several children through my wife’s school that came back from similar experiences so there is a bright future for her despite the terrible way her school failed her.
I was so sad to read your story. As an English school owner, I too, have seen several kids drop out of their regular school due to bullies. One young girl was the happiest most cheerful girl you could meet and then in sixth grade the bullying started and she became a shell of a girl. She became a shut-in and missed at least two years of school. It broke my heart to see what the bullies had done to her – she lost all personality, all confidence and became bloated and completely anti-social. I didn’t see her for years and then her grandfather passed away and I paid my respects at the family home. The girl was 23 by then and came out to see us when we visited. Her smile had returned, she had a job and she had somehow recovered her joy for life. It was so heart-warming to know that she was back on the right track. I heard late last year that she is now married and is expecting her first child. I know she is only one example and there are many for whom a happy ending may take much longer, but as Ben says, there is hope and I sincerely hope that your daughter can recover in time. I just wish I knew of ways to make it better for her sooner. Good luck with everything!
Jeeze. I read your story. It was hard to get through and I am not even a parent. I have many friends with kids here in the public school system and have also been a teacher in Japan for 11 years. The un-quenching need in Japanese society to put the reputation and face of a group over an individual can be so utterly frustrating. I know everyone who reads your story sympathizes and stands with you. I hope the educators and officals invovled one day understand why they are in the wrong, not insincerely just bow it away like so many wrong doings in Japan.
And Ben, the stuff you had to go through was no cake walk either. I think it is good I don’t have kids. I would go “Falling Down” into full rage and end up in jail and making things worse for my children. I just don’t have the temperament to deal with such selfish bakka-ness if it was effecting my children.
I feel that way too, but there comes a point as a parent that children have to stand or fall for themselves. Not a pervasive opinion on Japan.
One child here. Lots of experience with with school issues. All of your advice is exactly correct. I want to say that the schools and teachers (with the exception of one) were exceptional in their willingness to troubleshoot our issues and implement plans. It helped that my husband was on the PTA in elementary school for three years, and was the PTA head in the “Year of the Bad Teacher” incident. He also recorded every conversation and kept a written log of every day, every phone call, every incident with dates and witnesses – all with a smart phone app that allowed easy access at meetings. This really helped when the teacher in question conveniently got amnesia. It also helped that we had a personal connection high up in the Board of Education, who gave us good advice to get a BOE specialist to sit in on all meetings. And it helped that we were enrolled in a pull-out program for students with developmental needs because that provided yet another teacher/specialist to document observable behavioral changes in my son from a group bullying dynamic created by an authoritarian teacher. One more thing: we did not EVER discuss our problem with anyone outside of the school administration. My husband could have told all the PTA members and made a huge scene. But that would have turned a willing, supportive school administration into an enemy. Bad idea. Instead, we got them to work positively toward a solution. School administrations need motivation and incentives to work hard for the needs of one student. Respect and cooperation is important but, also, anything you can do to make them fear the consequences of inaction (applying pressure without displaying anger) will get the best results. In our case, the next three years at elementary school were enhanced immeasurably by great, experienced teachers and classmates carefully screened for the troublemakers.
Thank you very much for your kind words. My daughter is sporadically attending high school now in a completely different environment. While not completely recovered, she is doing somewhat better.
In all these incidents, I noticed it was brought to your attention by the school or by your step-daughters. I think that is the silver lining, that at least you are made aware of the bullying. What I am curious to know is what the best way to find out of any incident, particularly if your kid keeps the bullying to himself and does not let the parent s or teachers find out about it.
That’s the nightmare, isn’t it? A child suffering in silence. That’s where the tragedies in the news come from, because problems you face alone can seem unsurmountable.
I guess the best solution is to build a relationship with your children where they know you will listen to them and back them up no matter what. Easier said than done though, particularly during the difficult/rebellious teenage years.
Posting a comment for a reader who is having technical difficulties:
“[The school again wanted to deal with it internally. My wife and I refused, and filed a police report, which really annoyed the school. It was entrance test season, and they didn’t want the boys’ test scores to be affected.]
This statement epitomizes the problem of the school system here: An incredibly out-dated, one-shot styled education system in which the quality of one’s life rides on the outcome of ‘a combined test’. The system is inherently stressful, and its misery manifests in so many unhealthy ways: bullying is one of them; the desire of the schools to take hush-hush courses of action is another; and the mass destruction of families’ leisure time is yet another.
I know of children who have done well and enjoyed school here, and I know of others with PTSD. I, personally, don’t want to take any chances, but I cannot force my children to do something they do not want to do. Fortunately, my son wants out since he feels the educational methods here are lacking. ‘Repeat and remember’ has clear limits in his eyes.
This year, he will leave Japan and is going to a British state boarding school – no fees, just boarding fees. The school has excellent pastoral care, and it places a strong focus of cultivating ‘good character’ along with academics. Indeed, the students even take classes in what well-being means! While some may scoff at such a notion, who can deny the role it plays in having a good life. There are lots of choices for clubs too. He can take several at the same time. What a notion!
I feel utterly relieved because I feel he will surely flourish there in a system that is helping the students self-actualise even if it costs me the loss of my son.”
Great post, Ben. How did you say, “I will ruin your life if anything further happens.” in Japanese? It may be useful to file that one away for the future…
Ha, ha, I can’t remember the exact words. Probably involved 「ダメにする」or 「つぶす」. I don’t think using yakuza style Japanese works for me, so I prefer to speak slowly, softly, use regular polite language, and articulate very clearly. People tend to pay more attention that way 🙂
Both the blog post and the comments seemed pretty alien to our experience here, and I thought posting anything that contrasted with it all would just be spitting into the wind. Anyway, maybe for some perspective (what happens in foreign lands), here are some “bully” stories from elsewhere:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aosbva/what_happened_to_your_school_bully/
“Both the blog post and the comments seemed pretty alien to our experience here, and I thought posting anything that contrasted with it all would just be spitting into the wind.”
Not at all! The vast majority of people are going to be fine at school, or they are going to have minor problems that schools and teachers deal with effectively. It might be useful to remind readers of that.
This post is more about what to do if things go wrong, because when they do you are going to be angry and afraid and upset, and that is not a good combination when dealing with unsympathetic bureaucrats.